Metropolitan Police are beefing up tactical forces to deal with a sudden spike in free range kids in the District. Police were first alerted to the influx of roamers by the DC Department of Human Services. Local residents began noticing a surge of children near playgrounds and parks after the onset of Spring weather.
“Free range kids are illegal in the District of Columbia and have been for years,” said Police Chief Lanier at a press conference. “We’ve been asking the Department of Homeland Security to assist us with funding for equipment to combat the problem, but unfortunately, DHS is already stretched pretty thin with keeping tabs on peaceful protestors.”
Of particular concern is an area on Rhode Island Ave near the 7th Street Public Library, where roving bands of children on skateboards periodically have been spotted. Several years ago, a fence was constructed around basketball courts and a skateboard park adjoining two elementary schools to discourage strays, but this year some seem to have returned.
Police Chief Lanier urged residents to be vigilant and remain calm. She advised them to call police emergency 9-1-1 immediately upon sighting free range kids, and to stay indoors until armed officers arrive.
Business owners at area malls have also reported seeing them and have reacted by calling police.
Free range kids often travel in groups and can be observed texting on their cellphones. They often leave a trail of soft-drink bottles or cans and fast-food containers. They also can be identified by bad attitudes.
DC Mayor Muriel Bowser expressed dismay that the previous administration hadn’t done enough to fix the problem before she took office. “Our residents want and deserve better protection. Police need new equipment to deal with this threat–LRADs, night sticks, teargas,” she said. “We’ve also had a request for surveillance drones.”
“This should really take priority,” added Lanier. “Taxpayer safety is at stake.”
Behind the scenes, though, law enforcement may be taking decisive action. According to a government source who spoke on condition of anonymity, SWAT teams armed with M-16’s may soon be deployed around the District in armored vehicles equipped with grenade launchers.
“The public can be sure we are taking this threat very seriously, and the full resources of the government will be brought to bear on the problem,” said Lanier.
